Legend of Zelda: Toilet Princess
by Shadow Commando
Summary: Follow Link and Midna on their stupidity driven adventures through Hyrule.
1. No

Ch 1: Midna's New Groove

Ch 1: Midna's New Groove

(Twilight Realm)

Midna brushed a lock of fiery red hair that was clearly more special than yours out of her glittering amber eyes. She gazed at the mundane hordes of clearly less interesting people passing by as she made her way to the castle where all the less important nobles, if they could be called that, were waiting.

As she entered, she slowly turned her head; next to her was a barrel-chested lad with white hair and sparkling cerulean eyes. _Man was he dreamy, _she thought. His eyes like blue pools, his arms like shriveled string beans, his chest…oh god the way his chest seemed to cave inward, the way his forehead sloped like a Neanderthal's…..

"MIDNA NOTSAKURAYAMAHAMITUSBISHISONY NINTENDOJAP!" One of the Nobles-if-he could-be-called-that snapped, eyes squinted like a hawk. " THIS IS THE DAY OF YOUR CORONATION AND YOU'RE LATE! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! WHY AM I SO ANGRY? I MUST BE OUT OF NICOTINE GUM!!"

Ignoring him, Midna turned back to where the sexy boy had been, but he was gone. He was so dreamy it turned out he was actually a figment of her imagination. She sighed, and wondered if guys like that really existed.

(Light World)

"OH LINKY POOOOO!!" came a voice like the sound of a dove being eaten by a cat. Link had only been awake for about 2.1 seconds and already he was beginning to hate this day. Heck, if he could have a penny for every day that Iliad made his life miserable, he could buy another house somewhere else, but that simply was not the case, not to mention his saving skills weren't that great, but that's another story.

He pulled the covers over his head, but it failed to drown out the human version of a rooster in the morning. "C'mon, gorgeous, I know you're in there, I nailed up the windows last night." This came as a surprise to the Fierce Deity, but he had more important things on his mind. "But Iliad-" Iliad interrupted him: "No buts, it's a perfect day for beating up bad boy bullies and hateful hooligans. Besides, you got another letter from Princess Zap." "Again?" asked Link. "Yep, it's labeled URGENT, she wants you to save the world." replied Iliad. "Not again" thought Link. "That's how she labels all of her letters, and didn't I save the world just last week?" "No dear, last week you saved the universe, last month you saved the world." replied Iliad.

"Fine." grumbled Link as he threw off the aluminum covers and slipped on his metal pants and iron boots (and you were afraid this story was getting too normal) and clanked his way over to the titanium door and turned the knob before clanking his way over to the stairs. As he was attempting to make his way down, he heard a loud WUMP followed by "MINK, MELP ME!" Link raced down the stairs to find Iliad under a mountain of his dirty laundry. "MINK, MELP ME!" she repeated. He quickly dug her out and she threw her arms around her hero.

"Oh, Mink."

"Iliad, you can talk normal now."

"Oh Link."

"Ye-ah, now I gots to go save the world, so you wait here while I do that." he said, running toward the door. "Hold it right there, mister." the blond said, to Link's despair. He slowly turned around to face his captor. "First you have to have breakfast. Big boys have to eat." she said in a very condescending tone. As it turned out, breakfast was a delicious combination of burnt celery, cremated hot dogs, and fried bread. Link would have snuck it to the cat, but he was tired of having to take him to the vet, so he just tossed it out the window as soon as Iliad turned her head. But as he did, a black hole appeared in that part of the world and absorbed the food tossed into it, but then it disappeared just as quickly.

"That was freaky." said Link, and then got up and left.

(Twilight Realm)

Zit had just gotten up and was heading to the kitchen when a black hole suddenly opened up above him and out came a plate of stuff that fell all over him. "Ah Boobs, I got this shirt washed just last week." whined Zit, but then he noticed that the stuff from the plate was food, and he realized it would be a shame to let it go to waste, so he picked up what looked like a hot dog and took a bite. "…Stacey, did you put shit in my lunch?" asked Zit as he tried to spit out all the remains of Iliad's death-on-a-plate. But as he lay there on his knees, vomiting, he looked up and noticed a giant fart bubble hovering above him. But before he could complain about food poison-induced hallucinations, it swallowed him up. "What am I doing here?" asked Zit. "I know how you feel, I don't like the Royal family much either." said Danongorf before Zit could tell him that he was only vomiting. "Why are you telling me this?" asked Zit

He didn't catch all of what Danongorf was saying but he remembered hearing something about 'The Prophecy is false,' 'Bush is a liar' and also 'Free Hat!"

"Become my servant and I will give you whatever you want." said Danongorf. Zit thought about it, then said "Do I get free health insurance?"

"Yes"

"INCLUDING Dental?"

"Yes"

Zit thought about it again and said "Ok, but I better not be betrayed and left to die." "Oh you won't." said Danongorf, crossing his fingers behind his back.

With that, Danongorf dropped Zit back onto the balcony. Zit didn't notice any difference in himself except that he was now wearing a ridiculously over sized helmet, so he looked over at a jar and decided to test out his powers and stared at it for a moment. Nothing happened. He stared harder. Still nothing. So he picked up a heavy object and brought it down on the jar and it smashed into microscopic pieces. "I AM powerful." he said, flexing his chest out. It was then that Midna came out of the castle and spotted him. "You're helmet is so big." she said in amazement. "So you'll go out with me then?" asked Zit. "It's gonna take more than a big "helmet" to win my heart." replied Midna.

Zit slapped Midna.

Midna slapped Zit.

Zit slapped Midna

Slap

Slap

Slap

Slap

Slap

This went on for 12 hours. But finally, Zit got tired of slapping and turned Midna into an imp.

"Oh yeah?" said Midna as she pulled a fused shadow out of her ass and put it on her head, but before she could use it, Zit picked her up and threw her a HELLUVA far through the portal and she went flying into the woods.

"AFTER HER!!11one" barked Zit to his minions who came out of nowhere.

(Light World)

Link had stepped outside of his home and was immediately ambushed by the little brats of Ordon and was now being forced to entertain them with his fighting techniques.

"Show us that move where you flex your muscles." said Bitch.

"Oh please. The slap?" muttered Mao.

Link lazily raised his arm, pulled it back behind him, and let it fly across the scarecrow's face.

"WOW, that's so amazing, Link." said Beth stupidly.

"I've seen that one before. Now show us that one where you use your sword." said Tao.

"You mean the poke?" asked Mao

Link unsheathed his sword from his scabbard and everyone ooh'd and aah'd, seeing the twirling green and blue blades. He held the sword back for a moment before poking the scarecrow. "Wow, that's the most awesome thing I've ever seen" said Tao. Then he turned to see a piece of string floating off in the distance. "PRETTY STRING" said Tao as he took off after the floating yarn, flapping his arms like a chick that just hatched. The others followed. Link ran into the forest after them when, out of the forest, materialized two shadow beasts enveloped in a poopy shell of fecal dung. On their arms they wore swastikas.

"Vhat ez ues dozing valking vou va vorest!!" the first one yelled

Link couldn't think of a reply. He collapsed into the dirt.

"Arz ues the jew" the other one asked

" Uf curz hay eez! Hay's proobly here bacuz hay woz landing too mash maney!"

" Oaa caz hay dadn't warsh his hands enuff! Keel da unsaitory dumbass!"

Link tried to lift himself from the dirt but the smell of the poop armor overpowered him. He was helpless as the first poop nazi descended upon him and farted in his face. The sound of Link screaming mixed with the sound of wind escaping the monster's ass sounded as sweet as the London Symphony Orchestra, which was the last thing Link heard before a quick trip to unconscious land.


	2. one

At long last, I have updated TP

**At long last, I have updated TP. :D**

**I would have done it earlier except I couldn't get into my account because the website was experiencing problems, but at least now I don't have to do the stupid image verification. W00T!**

**Anyway, when we last left our slightly retarded hero, he was screaming to your death. Now we'll see if that was 'fo sho' or if he was just being random.**

Ch 2: Prison Break

(Hyrule Castle)

Link awoke with a big headache. "Man that's some hangover." he thought. Then he looked up to see a Shadow Beast's ass moving provocatively in front of him. "Am I still at the party?" he asked. "Quiet, before we decide to throw you in the same cell as Bubba." replied another shadow beast who happened to be holding Link's left arm. Link looked over to his right to see a third shadow beast holding his right arm and he realized he was being dragged by two shadow beasts who were being led by a third through a corridor of jail cells filled with guys who looked like they wanted to hurt him. But finally, they came to a cell with no one in it and, not exactly treating their prisoner like delicate china, tossed Link inside, locked the door, and swallowed the key.

Link wasn't quite sure what to do next, seeing as he was going to be here for quite a while, but then he noticed movement in the corner of his vision, and a cell mate bigger than himself could only mean one thing: EPAR (read backwards), but as he turned his head, he noticed that the person sitting next to him had to be no more than 3 feet nothing. But her weird grin was starting to make him nervous, until she looked like she was ready to pounce. Link stood his ground.

"ET phone home!" she said.

"What?" asked Link.

"Whoops, wrong line." responded the imp.

Then she did a complicated ballet move over Link's head and landed in front of the jail bars.

"Ahem…I'VE FOUND YOU!" she said.

"Wait, you didn't give me a chance to hide." protested Link, digging a hole and burying himself in it.

"How rude, I was thinking of helping you get out of prison." said Midna.

"Wait, I'm in prison?" asked the Blond.

"Yeah, what do you think all these jail cells are for?" asked the imp.

"Oh, I thought I was back in high school again." replied Link.

Midna slapped her forehead.

"So why are you here?" asked Link.

"Cuz now that I'm here to help you, you are now at my mercy, which means I can do anything I want with you, like hit you with a snowplow, make you do acts of pleasure, hit you with a toy hammer, crap on my hands and throw it at you, but I need you to complete my master plan." replied Midna.

"And what is your master plan?" asked Link.

"To get my throne back from Zant and then kill him, as in not alive, as in not breathing, as in cutting open his skin and letting out all of the-" "I GET IT!" interrupted Link, "and if Zant took away your throne from you, then why did he put you here instead of killing you?"

"Plot convenience." interrupted Twilight Commando who came out of nowhere, "she had her throne stolen from her but she must get it back, and the only way for that to happen is for someone to help her, and that person is you, so she gets thrown into the exact same cell as you so that you two break out together and get the throne back."

"Shut up, you don't even have the script." retorted Midna.

"Yes I do." shot back TC, "it's right…(rummages through pocket)…BLAST IT, BILL GATES, YOU STOLE IT AGAIN!!" (runs off)

(But what he doesn't know is I stole the script while he was asleep so that I can change it into WHATEVER I WANT!)

"That was freaky." said Midna, "Now let's get going."

"I can't, I'm dead." said Link, playing dead.

After 5 minutes of "get up" and "I am dead, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!" Link got up when he realized the simpsons had already done that bit.

"So how do we get out?" asked Link.

"Well, for starters, try digging through that patch of dirt." said Midna, pointing to the said patch of dirt.

"Okey dokey." replied Link as he began digging.

(_Spongebob narrator: 3 Hours Later_)

Link finally managed to crash through the dirt and breath in the free air on the other side of the cell door.

"Okay, your turn." said Link smirking.

"Yup. Good thing I kept this key under the welcome mat." said Midna as she warped through the jail bars, picked up a key from under the mat, warped back inside, and unlocked the door, and THEN floated out.

"I hate you." said Link flatly.

"Well you're going to hate me a lot more if you don't get going, greeney." said Midna, jumping into Link's shadow.

Link and Midna (or rather, just Link) ran through endless corridors and dungeons and encountered hundreds of cannibalistic black jelly fishies and went up a flight of stairs to see a door with a glowing "EXIT" sign over it, but for some reason, the door was on the ceiling instead of the floor, so Link had to hopscotch up to the door and then run past scary looking horn birds, and then finally made it into a dark room with a cloaked figure.

"ZOMG, IT'S DARTH MAUL!" shouted Link.

Then Zelda turned around.

"…ZOMG, IT'S ZELDA!"

"50 an hour." said Zelda as she slowly began to remove her cloak.

"Zelda, it's me, Link." said Link.

"Oh, embarrassing." said Zelda, zipping her coat back up.

"Right, I brought your slave, now pay up." said Midna, holding out her hand.

"Wait, where am I?" asked Link.

"Currently, we are in the tower." replied Zelda.

"I know that, I mean where are we, exactly?" asked Link.

"You're in Hyrule castle which has been covered in Twilight because it got taken over by monsters." said Midna flatly

"Worst plotline ever" replied Link, "So just how did a well defended castle such as this get overthrown by a few monsters?"

(Flashback)

We see everyone walking around Castletown minding their own business, but then a portal appears over the town and several black monsters fall out.

"D'OH!"

"D'OH!"

"D'OH!"

"D'OH!"

"D'OH!"

Everyone just stared at them.

"Well so much for filling them with a sense of shock and awe." said monster #1.

"What are you doing here? You are not welcome here." said Jovani.

"Oh, okay." said Monster #2, who suddenly picked up Jovani and threw him into the sewer, covering him in piss and giving his skin a bright shade of yellow.

"Panic!" shouted a guard.

Everyone else screamed and started running around like chicken shits while the guards ran inside the castle not wanting to get their shiny new armor covered in piss.

The monsters chased after them.

"oooooh, goldfish, everyone, goldfish." said a shadow beast, pointing at the moat below as he ran across the bridge.

The monsters charged into the castle and PWN3D everyone inside until they reached the throne room at the very top, but the doors were bolted shut, so the Shadow beasts used a blowtorch to melt the door open.

Inside the throne room, everyone could see the doors beginning to glow red as the beasts melted through them.

"Feel the fire on that door." ordered Zelda.

"Yes, mam." said a guard toasting a marshmallow on it.

Then a knock came.

"Who is it?" asked the guard who had to take the GED test 60 times to pass.

"UPS." came a reply.

The guard opened the door and more poop nazis charged inside but got PWN3D by the guards, so another wave of more powerful monsters were ready.

"CHAAAAAARRRRRRGE!" shouted Zant, but then wondered why nobody was following him.

"You're out, Zant." replied the more-powerful-monsters leader.

Zant hung his head and walked away.

The leader looked back at his men "Simon says CHAAAAAARRRRRRGE!"

Then a black cloud entered the room and from it emerged the deadliest monsters that Zant owned: FART COMMANDOS!

Most of the guards died from the black stink, so Zant walked in to give his demands.

Zelda wasn't really paying attention to Zant, but she did hear him say something about "_Change we can believe in_" and "_Yes we can_" and a bunch of other nonsensical stuff.

"Okay, I'll vote for you." said Zelda, still not paying attention.

"What-an-idiot." said the Guard on her right.

(Flashback ends)

"Well that explains it" said Link, "But why did Zant put you up here instead of killing you and taking your throne from you?"

"PLOT CONVENIENCE!" Shouted Twilight Commando, but then got pubbled by the Guards.

"We'd better get going before this story gets any weirder." said Midna, tugging at Link's arm.

"Aren't you coming with us?" asked Link.

"No, I'm gonna do the stupid thing and stay here." replied Zelda.

"Fine, but don't come crying to us if you get possessed by some ugly green guy." said Midna floating away.

"I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too." Zelda shouted after them as they ran out the room.


	3. can

**Sorry I took so long, but I finally managed to slap something together for you all, so R and R. And Merry Christmas, by the way. :D**

Chapter 3: Don't steal from people's houses while drinking juice in the hood

(Ordon)

Haunch was busy mourning over the loss of his daughter Beth and the fact that the monsters hadn't taken his wife as well, but as he looked up in the sky, he saw a bright portal appearing above him.

"Goddesses, is that you?" asked Haunch. But then Link fell out of the portal and crushed him.

"You couldn't do that a bit smoother?" asked Link, rubbing his sore backside.

"No, what would be the fun in that?" asked Midna, pooping out of his shadow, "But enough about that, I need you to go get me a sword and shield twice my size so that I can go get my hat back from the big ass cave in the woods."

"Makes sense." replied Link as he ran to the village and saw Bo and Jaggle talking by the edge of the pond.

"Yo, yo, yo, B-boy, that Rusl got capped over in the hood, trying to black black dose foos." said Jaggle.

"I dig ya, homie. Has you got a wood in the house I can use to cap dose niggas?" asked Bo.

"Hell yeah, I is got it up in my…ah shit, it's the po-po, time to split, nigga." said Jaggle, seeing Link.

"Not a bad bit of information you got." said Midna watching them flee.

"I have no idea what they just said." replied Link.

"If I studied jive well enough, then he was either saying that he has a wooden shield, or he gets morning wood." said Midna.

"Same thing." said Link as he went into the house, grabbed the wooden shield, and jumped into the pond for no reason.

"Ah hell no, I'm gawna get dem niggas." shouted Rusl as he, in his infinite wisdom, began limping out of the village, leaving his wife and unborn child behind.

"What an idiot." said Link as he snuck around Uli, even though he was only 3 feet away from her, until he was close enough to dig through the floor and get into the house.

Link looked around and realized he was alone.

"Finally, room to think." said the Fierce Deity, triumphantly.

"Good thing I kept this key under the welcome matt." said Midna as she floated in through the front door, waving said key.

"F***** Hell!" shouted Link as he picked up the sword and ran out the door and then ran through the yard, leaving a big hole in it.

Afterward, Link got to the edge of the twilight, then Midna popped out of nowhere again.

"This is the Twilight." she said.

"Gee, thanks for pointing that out." replied Link sarcastically.

"Do you want to go back in?"

"That's what I came for."

"Are you sure?"

"Y-eah."

"Are you really, really, really sure?"

Yes, dammit, let me in."

"Are you really, really, really, really, really-"

"YES, OPEN THE F****** WALL SO I CAN-"

Then Midna grabbed him and pulled him in.

"I WAS JUST KIDDIIIIIING!" screamed Link as he was pulled into the Twilight Zone.

(Twilight Zone Music)

**What's going to happen? Is Link going to get rid of the Twilight? Will he get PWN3D? Will Zant get elected? Will Midna stop being a bitch? Will I stop asking all these stupid questions since I'm the one with all the answers? Review and you might find out. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! :D**


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